Holy crap, time flies and things change. How long now have I had a coatrack? I forget, but I owe it all to my other half. So now the time comes for decisions regarding absence vs. presence. Do you know how spoiled I've been? Do you know how upside down this mortgage is now? Do you know how much I owe others thanks to whatnot and so forth?

My dead friend warned we'd be raped. He was adamant. Windows and gutters, not worth it. Certainly not when you miss your house payment and arrange to fix it TWICE. 'Cause paycheck was a day later than expected payment once. Woe upon woe, you cash-gouging conglomerate. I would have ruined your day, your call stats, whatever.

So I pour to him daily, those last crummy sips, but being dead, I suspect he cares less. It's all him, this retrospect. This lazy hindsight peering into the future with no skillz. I can't fathom the future, but imagine it's always going to be worse than it always has been.

I can't make near the same living as a beggar, but perhaps if I had more to offer, or if I just offered more. Tithing to the extreme. 100% given because I don't have much else. Is it enough to grin at a page with a goat when it has my original business card slogan attached? I gave that away, and I'm 200% glad of it. Still doesn't pay a bill.

So we fondle instruments and wonder about gas mileage, while my main thing is not being so damn absent, so communicatively lacking. Could I help my employer? Could I help by being absent? Does Amsterdam care? I've been on the verge before, even my ducks were in their rows... Longer ago, I was on another verge, but was working on WAR.

The fact that this won't make sense to most is pivotal. We never know, but do know that I've struggled with this more than anything in my life thus far. Those who would know do know or suspect, and those who don't need not concern themselves. But leaning toward a no hurts in so many ways, you don't even have to be a bullfrog.